Merry Christmas, Fatass
by FireWasp
Summary: A one shot holiday treat for all the kyman shippers 3 I hope you enjoy!


It happened so quickly, the month going by without Cartman even noticing. He wasn't in the spirit this year - It was difficult to be festive when his house was barren. His mom had disappeared like she did on occasion, and for two weeks in counting. He'd come to expect this of her.

...Just not on Christmas Eve.

Cartman's mother always found a way to be home for the holidays; whether that was for herself or her son was up for debate. Cartman wasn't concerned, though. His cousin had texted him mere moments ago, confirming his suspicions. Liane had somehow made her way upstate to be with his Aunts and Uncles this year.

No, Cartman wasn't worried. He wasn't even angry anymore, as he glared at the tree that was thrown to the ground, vibrant tacky ornaments strewn across the rug. The poor oil lamp - Cartman's only source of light in a house without electricity or heat - had also met its demise as it laid scattered in pieces of broken glass at his feet.

It was a mess that Cartman had no intention of picking up as he threw himself back against the couch.

Kyle grunted under his breath as he clutched the grocery bags firmly in his hands. It was way too fucking cold tonight, and his fingers were numb in the frozen air. The plastic of the bag's handles dug into his skin, making him even more eager to finally get home.

This was _bullshit_. Just because his father forgot the bags at the store, it had automatically became KYLE'S responsibility to retrieve them. How was it his fault that Randy got his Dad hooked on eggnog every year? Hell, if his mother knew where his father was right now they would be fighting all night long. Either way, Kyle had an incredibly frustrating job to do.

Kyle tried to distract himself as he walked through the flurried snowstorm and averted his gaze from the houses he was passing. These were houses he'd seen every day for his entire life, and yet on Christmas they were seemingly so different, as if he was viewing them in an entirely different was different every year too - no house decorated the same exact way twice. That was just one more thing to add to the list of reasons he envied the holiday he wasn't allowed to celebrate.

Candy canes, light up deer, snow covered wreaths; all common sights for Kyle. He walked past the next house and had to do a double take, stopping short at the uncharacteristic sight. He'd expected this house to be the most extravagant, It was _Cartman's_ for crying out loud! Where were the snowflakes, the stars, the garland? The manger in front of the garage, the bright red and green lights, the blinking neon SANTA for fucks sake, it was all gone!

"What the hell…?" Kyle muttered under his breath, unable to help himself as he approached the house. He walked up the steps - with considerable strain considering it clearly hadn't been shoveled in days - and knocked on the door.

Cartman jumped a little, startled by that sudden knock. Although in the back of his mind, he knew it was physically impossible for his mother to somehow teleport to his front door from Nebraska, he'd made a dive for the door anyway.

"Mo-!" Cartman exclaimed, only to cut himself off at the sight of Kyle covered in snow. The hope in his eyes sizzled out and he slumped. "...Oh. It's _you_."

"..Yeah it's me, obviously." Kyle replied and looked at him strangely. "The fuck is up with your house, dude?"

"What about it?" Cartman replied dryly, eyes dulled. Kyle scowled at him in annoyance, unimpressed by the brunette's lackluster tone.

"Really?" He asked, but decided to humor him. "..Your house is like the block's beacon, Fatass. What gives?"

"Power's out." Cartman replied in a mumble. Kyle's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, recalling the dazzling array of lights illuminating the facades of the surrounding houses.

"...Well, that sucks."

"Yep."

"You want me to look at your generator downstairs? You might have just blown a fuse. Maybe I could fix it." Kyle offered. Cartman shrugged impassively.

"You could try. It'd be pretty pointless though since the company turned it off." He responded, Kyle's eyebrows rising in disbelief.

"Oh shit. Your Mom didn't pay the bill?"

"Nope."

Kyle took in Cartman's nonchalant attitude and started to feel frustrated. This was uncharacteristic of Cartman, especially on Christmas... Not to mention the fact that he hadn't even ripped on him one time for being Jewish on Christmas Eve yet.

...Strange.

"You gonna let me in?" Kyle attempted. "I'm freezing."

Cartman stared back at Kyle in contemplation before stepping aside for him.

"Go ahead, Kahl." He sighed, "But it's not much better in here."

"Your heating is off too." Kyle observed as he stepped inside and lowered the grocery bags to the floor. Cartman closed the door and handed Kyle a small flashlight from his keychain, the batteries almost entirely drained.

"Yeah." Cartman said and carefully navigated across the darkened room to the kitchen. Kyle looked around the living room with the flashlight, directing the faint beam of light at the toppled over tree. He heard a crunch from below as his shoe crushed some glass before he could notice the broken lamp at his feet.

He'd known Cartman for long enough to put together what had happened.

"Do you know where she is?" Kyle called as he attempted to follow him into the kitchen.

"Yeah. With her sister."

"Without you? On Christmas?"

"...Well, apparently."

"Why the hell would she d-"

"I don't KNOW, Kahl!" Cartman exclaimed, spinning around to face Kyle. The anger and hurt was clear on his face. "The fuck _IS_ this, twenty questions?!"

"...No.. I was just-"

"I don't fucking care." Cartman waved him off and turned to the sink, filling an empty glass with water. Kyle stared at Cartman's back sadly, not knowing what to say. This was an awful situation to be in, even for someone like Eric Cartman. No one deserved to be alone on a holiday.

"...Why are you even _here_?" Cartman asked coldly. Kyle parted his lips to reply, but quickly found himself without an answer. He stared at the back of Cartman's head like an idiot instead. Cartman grew impatient and faced Kyle, taking a large swig from the cup before insisting, "Well, Jew?"

"I… Dude, I have nothing better to do tonight." Kyle finally replied before giving Cartman a little ammo. "...But you know that, of course."

Cartman quirked an eyebrow at Kyle, but that seemed to ease a little of the tension between them. He the corners of his lips drew upward slightly before he chuckled under his breath. He looked down at the dregs of water in the depths of his glass, swirling the water around distractedly.

"Yeah, well... me neither." He responded reluctantly.

...Okay. Now Kyle was really worried. Cartman had the perfect opportunity to rip on him, and he hadn't even taken the bait. It wouldn't take a genius to see how pissed Cartman was about being alone on Christmas Eve with no heat or electricity, but now it was clear to Kyle how lonely and hurt he must feel.

Kyle didn't say anything for some time, stepping closer to Cartman and simply studying his face. Cartman met Kyle's eyes, body tightening up. He felt uneasy being observed this intensely, especially in such silence.

"Ay. If you're gonna stare at me for an hour, at least fuckin' say so." Cartman grumbled. Kyle blinked rapidly, snapping out of it - he didn't even notice he had been staring so blatantly.

"..Uh… I wasn't.." Kyle trailed off and quickly averted his attention to the mess that was in the living room behind them. "..You've got to clean that up, dude. There's glass on the floor and someone's going to fall over the tree."

"Oh. I'm _so sorry_ , Kahl. I didn't mean to offend all the ghosts." Cartman scoffed. Kyle glared back at Cartman, unamused.

"Just shut up and bring me the broom, fatass." Kyle grumbled. Cartman rolled his eyes and complied, taking the broom from the wall in the kitchen and handing it to Kyle. Kyle took it, but also grabbed Cartman's wrist to pull him along as he dragged him into the living room.

"Kahl! The fuck?"

"You're gonna hold the dustpan." Kyle growled and shoved it into his hands. "Now get on your fucking knees and hold it still."

"...Jesus, Kahl. Okay." Cartman mumbled, flustered by the brashness in Kyle's tone. He timidly got to his knees and held the dustpan still as Kyle swept the contents into the pan. Cartman watched Kyle as he swept, trying to figure out the redhead's intentions.

When he was finished and the lamp was gone from the floor, Kyle smiled at Cartman and leaned his chin on the broom handle, looking rather smug.

"There. See? Teamwork actually solves problems."

Cartman scowled, then smirked mischievously before knocking the broom out from under Kyle, making the redhead stumble forward with a yelp. He bared his teeth and glared holes into Cartman's head as the brunette threw his head back and laughed heartily.

"You fuck!" Kyle snapped and shoved Cartman's shoulder roughly, making him completely fall on the rug. Cartman didn't seem to mind however, too preoccupied with his hysterical laughter.

"Oh my GOD that _NOISE_ you made Kahl! HAHAHAHA!"

Kyle pouted slightly as he watched Cartman roll around on the rug and laugh at him. This asshole always found a way to piss him off, but at least he was feeling better now.

"...Whatever. Can we just get some light in here?" Kyle asked impatiently. "It's so dark."

"Hahha.. ahh.. Uhh.." Cartman calmed down and slowly sat up, wiping at his eyes which were still bright with amusement. "...I don't know. That was my only working lamp."

"Hm. You got any candles around? Matches?"

"Uh… Matches are in the bathroom cabinet. But… Ugh. Nevermind." Cartman stood up and dusted himself off, suddenly looking annoyed. Kyle crossed his arms.

"But what?"

"Nothing."

"But WHAT?" Kyle insisted.

"Ugh! There's some candles in my mom's room." Cartman finally replied, turning away from Kyle.

"Well, good. Let's light 'em." Kyle said. Cartman shook his head and pinched his nose.

"No..."

"Why the fuck not?"

"Because they're _HER_ candles!" Cartman exclaimed and glared at Kyle, throwing his arms out in exasperation as he faced him. Kyle scoffed.

"So? This was _YOUR_ Christmas, wasn't it? She took THAT from _YOU_." Kyle reasoned. Cartman blinked a few times in surprise and his tone became soft.

"That… That's not what I mean."

"Dude, come on. Who cares? Just go get them." Kyle replied and gestured to the stairs. Cartman looked up the stairs before turning back to Kyle in defeat. He held his hands up as he began to approach the door.

"Okay. Geez." He draws out derisively, retreating to the corridor.

Kyle watched him disappear upstairs and turned his attention to the giant mass on the floor. God, that tree looked massive - there was no way he'd be able to lift that on his own. He heard Cartman return behind him as he walked around the tree, trying to figure out an alternate way to go about it. The sound of a striking match caught his attention and he sighed in relief when the room filled with a faint light. Kyle's face contorted however, when he found himself staring at four waxy multicolored penis sculptures.

"WHAT THE _HELL_ ARE THOSE?!" Kyle cried in horror, almost falling over the tree. Cartman met Kyle's eyes with a dull, unsurprised expression.

"My _Mom's._ " He repeated. Finally understanding, Kyle let out an embarrassed huff.

"Fucking, get rid of them!" He snapped. Cartman smirked.

"But Kahl, we need _light_ remember?" Cartman teased, waving one in Kyle's face. Kyle swatted at the air with a frustrated sound and shoved Cartman back lightly.

"Knock it _OFF_!"

"Oh, relax. It's just a dick Kahl." Cartman laughed, entertained. Kyle bristled.

"It is NOT just a dick! It's like FIVE of them! And they're glowing in the DARK!" Kyle exclaimed. "That's gross!"

"...Heh." Cartman snickered and put them back on the table, leaving two of them lit. "You're such a prude."

"I'm not a prude!" Kyle snapped and distanced himself, searching the room. "I'm just not gonna stare at THOSE all night! What the fuck!"

"...All night?" Cartman asked, looking over at Kyle in genuine shock. "You're staying over?"

"...Uh," Kyle glanced over at Cartman and hesitated before shrugging. "Well, yeah. I mean - why not?"

"Because you hate me." Cartman replied as if it was the most obvious answer in the world. Kyle looked down at the flashlight in his hand.

"...Well…. It- It would be cruel to leave you alone in the dark and the cold on Christmas Eve, dude." Kyle said timidly before going back to looking around. "I'm just not like that…"

Cartman watched Kyle for a few moments before he picked up an unfortunately shaped candle and stood behind him, helping him see where he was searching. Kyle didn't even notice until Cartman bent down a little and spoke over his shoulder right next to his ear.

"What are you looking for?"

"Ah...!" Kyle exclaimed, startled by how close he was. He made a second noise, even more startled by the pink glowing dick that was inches from his nose. "CARTMAN GET THAT AWAY FROM ME!"

Cartman laughed softly and staggered back, holding it up for light.

"Kahl, I'm seriously. What are you doing?" He asked. Kyle turned to face him, looking frustrated.

"I'm looking for a god damn fireplace! Ugh, do you even have one?" Kyle replied. Cartman quirked an eyebrow.

"Yeah. Behind the cabinet over there." He pointed to the brown cabinet a few feet away from them. He looked into Kyle's eyes once more with a sly grin. "You just had to ask, you know."

"Shut up and help me move it." Kyle responded and walked over to the cabinet. Cartman followed, and together they were easily able to push it out of the way. Kyle knelt down and lifted the fireguard, adjusting the logs that were already inside. "Dude, why didn't you use this instead of moping around in the cold?" 

"Forgot I had it." Cartman replied, scratching his head. Kyle rolled his eyes and gazed at him in annoyance.

"Why do I believe you? Idiot." Kyle sighed before holding his hand out. Cartman stared at it and smirked slyly.

"Yes, Kahl?"

"Cartman. Don't fucking start with me."

"Did you want somethi-"

"Cartman, I swear to god!"

"Did you want me to put something in your hand~? Or did you want me to-"

"JUST HAND ME THE DICK!" Kyle boomed. Cartman tossed his head back and laughed obnoxiously as he handed Kyle the unfortunately phallic candle. Kyle grit his teeth in annoyance as he lit the fire.

He backed up as the fire started to grow, adjusting the fire guard and staring at the crackling flames. Cartman was still laughing behind him. Kyle turned to him and stomped his foot, frustrated.

"HEY!" He snapped. "You better help me lift that stupid tree you fat fuck!"

"HAhaHAHAhaa just hand me the DICK!" Cartman replied, practically wheezing as he got on the other side of the tree. "God, HAHA, Kahl I haha I take it back! I guess you're not a prude after _all_!"

"Fuck you." Kyle replied lamely, eyes lingering on Cartman's wide smile. He was trying not to smile himself at the sight of it. "...On three. One. T-woOAH!"

Cartman lifted the tree up in one go, actually holding it a few inches off of the ground before placing it down where it was. Kyle was left standing there, arms out in a stupor.

"...Dude!" He exclaimed as Cartman wiped his hands on his pants. He looked over casually.

"Huh?"

"H.. How did you fucking _DO_ that? That thing weighed a ton!" Kyle replied. Cartman shot him a very masculine smile and rolled his shoulder, cracking it.

"Heh. It's a secret, Jew." He said simply and winked before standing in front of the fire, letting his hands warm. Kyle stared at Cartman's back, eyes suspiciously going over to his shoulder blades as they moved.

Were those… _muscles?_ How the hell did Kyle never notice Cartman's MUSCLES before? When did he even GET muscles?!

' _Holy shit, he has wide shoulders…'_ Kyle thought, biting his lower lip slightly. He blinked a couple times, catching himself as he shook himself out of it.

Shit.

"Um, s-so is your oven working?" Kyle asked nervously and walked back over to where his groceries were.

"If I use a match to light the burner, that should work, yeah." Cartman replied glancing over his shoulder at Kyle. "But there's no food in the house so… oh my god…"

Cartman trailed off as Kyle held up a couple loaves of bread, a boxed apple pie, and some nutmeg. He walked towards Kyle slowly and nearly drooled at the sight, hand reaching out and gently touching the paper around the bread as if it could not possibly be real. Kyle couldn't help but laugh at his theatrics.

"Jesus Christ, dude. It's like you've never seen food before." Kyle chuckled. Cartman met Kyle's eyes and took the food from him, smiling from ear to ear.

"...Thank you, Kahl. Who'd have thought? A JEW bringing a Christmas miracle!" He exclaimed.

"...And there it is." Kyle sighed, shaking his head in nostalgia. Cartman laughed, giddy, and made his way into the kitchen. Kyle called after him, "Dude! Did you want me to help you with that stu-"

"I got it!" Cartman called back merrily. Kyle scowled. 

"Don't eat it all!" He snapped, and didn't get a response. With another sigh, Kyle turned back to the fire and slowly rid himself of his damp clothing. He shed his jacket and boots, hanging them up over the back of the couch and staring at the many blankets thrown over the back of it, trapped deep in thought.

"Okay, I didn't have much to work with but I think I did a pretty good fuckin job consideri-..." Cartman trailed off, hands balancing the hot food he'd prepared. His eyes took in the sight of Kyle curled up on the rug in front of the fireplace, red curls hanging free as he read a book. Kyle looked up and smiled softly at Cartman.

"Yeah, dude?" Kyle asked. Cartman's heart took off in his chest, blush darkening his cheeks. He averted his eyes and cleared his throat.

"I... Food. I made… Food." Cartman responded. Kyle quirked an eyebrow at him and closed his book with a short laugh.

"Haha, great. Bring it over here then."

"I'm _gonna'._ " Cartman mumbled back and finally headed over when it felt like his face had calmed down a bit. He made himself comfortable next to Kyle and straightened his legs out so he could balance their plates on his thighs.

Kyle looked at the food in surprise. There were two steaming glasses of nutmeg, sliced and toasted bread with three slices each of apple pie, smoke dancing in the air from it. Kyle felt himself salivate just looking at it.

"Wow, Cartman. This is actually really impressive." Kyle admitted as he took his plate. "...Thanks."

"Yeah, whatever, it's kewl." Cartman replied nervously and sipped his eggnog. Kyle smiled at him, already scooping up some apple pie with his spoon.

"I'm surprised you're not playing any Christmas music." Kyle said idly before starting to eat. Cartman shrugged after a while, staring into the fire.

"I guess I'm just not feeling it this year." He said. Kyle pursed his lips in thought before staring into the fire as well.

"That's a shame, dude." Kyle replied. Cartman looked over at him curiously as he continued. "...I mean, you have such a good voice."

Cartman felt his face erupt into flames again, heart taking off in his chest once more. Fuck.

"I… W-uhh…" Cartman trailed off and stared at his lap, apple pie falling off his spoon. Kyle looked over and watched his reaction in surprise.

He looked… flustered. Interesting.

"What, dude? I'm just stating a fact. Everyone knows that you sing really well." Kyle continued. Cartman blinked rapidly, the tips of his ears burning. He didn't meet Kyle's eyes as he cleared his throat and finally answered.

"You... like my voice?" He asked, looking over at him. Kyle met his eyes, almost alarmed at how huge his pupils were. It sparked something in him. Something in his chest that travelled down his spine and warmed his gut. He smiled shyly and nodded. Cartman swallowed thickly and looked back at his plate. "You, uh... you should dip the bread in the nutmeg. It... tastes really good."

Kyle's smile widened, for once feeling like he had the upper hand, but in a different way. It felt really fucking good, and he would be lying if he said it wasn't fun to make Cartman react like this. He wondered how far he could get with it as he did what Cartman suggested, dipping the bread in the nutmeg and taking a bite. He wrinkled his nose as he chewed and chuckled as he met Cartman's eyes.

"Hmph. I don't know dude." Kyle replied with his mouth full. "It kinda just tastes like soggy bread."

"Well, it was my bad." Cartman replied.

"Huh?" Kyle asked. Cartman just smirked.

"You know - thinking Jews had good taste."

"Oh, fuck you!" Kyle exclaimed and swatted at Cartman's shoulder. Cartman laughed and Kyle looked away pouting and shivering from the cold.

He should have known better. Fucking _asshole._

Kyle's eyebrows furrowed as he felt an arm sneak around his waist. He gasped softly when he turned his head and his cheek smacked into Cartman's chest.

"What are y-"

"You're cold."

Kyle lifted his head and met Cartman's eyes, blushing. Cartman stared back at him, hand squeezing Kyle's side slightly, his hold gentle. Kyle swallowed thickly, but didn't make an attempt to move away. Instead he started to relax against Cartman. To his own surprise, and to Cartman's shock, Kyle was very okay with this.

Cartman's eyelids lowered and he turned his head away for a moment to pull out his phone, scrolling through Spotify. He turned the volume up all the way and lay it between him, playing 'Baby It's Cold Outside'. He turned back to Kyle and smiled at him.

"Better, Jew?" He asked. Kyle's lips parted and turned into a smile, shivering again, but this time it wasn't from the cold. He pursed his lips and snuggled a little closer to him.

"Better." He replied softly. Cartman stared into Kyle's eyes, humming under his breath. Before Kyle knew what he was doing, his hand was sliding up over Cartman's chest and feeling the vibrations of his deep voice. Cartman's eyebrow twitched, surprised at this. He leaned into it without hesitation and hummed a little louder, which made Kyle bite his lip slightly.

Kyle's hand slowly slid up until it was caressing Cartman's shoulder. Kyle squeezed, feeling the firm layer of muscle there as his emerald eyes stared deep into Cartman's oceans of icy blue. He straightened his spine and broke the heated tension between them by moving closer and pressing their lips together, his eyes fluttering shut and cheeks burning brightly.

Cartman's humming stopped immediately, eyes wide and eyebrows shooting up in shock. Kyle caressed his jaw and deepened the kiss. Cartman's eyes slowly closed and he kissed back gently as the music played in the background, singing distant verses of chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

Kyle pulled away slightly, their lips still touching, and found himself staring into very warm and confused eyes. Before taking him into another kiss, Kyle smiled against Cartman's mouth and whispered sweetly.

"Merry Christmas, Fatass."


End file.
